


19|15|19

by g0re_whore



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: -Ish, Angst, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Gender-Neutral Pronouns for Pidge | Katie Holt, Insecurity, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-03
Updated: 2017-10-12
Packaged: 2019-01-08 16:10:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12257727
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/g0re_whore/pseuds/g0re_whore
Summary: Nobody is unique in their anguish.The paladins, it seems, are no exception.





	1. Lament

It’s too simple to be complex, and paradoxically, too complex to be simple, this turmoil within him. On one hand there is an indescribably overwhelming urge to fit in. To meet a standard. To reach for the top shelf just high enough for the index finger to graze with a little help from the toes only to turn over a shoulder to see another follow through with envy inducing ease. Outdone. But who was he to fight? The only option left was to reach further. And the dilemma become increasingly apparent for it was that very action which sourced his distress in the first place…

The time had come to turn to the easy springs of acceptance. The sweet laughter of a girl in response to his badly timed humour, the exchange of retorts devoid of bite but exceeding in well hidden wit and the hilarious lack of shame because sometimes it  _ paid _ to play the fool. Not a suave, blue-clad sharpshooter but a mere fool. His toes would not permit him to stretch any further than that title... 

He began to question the fundamental element that made or broke everything living. Love. The girls never made his heart truly flutter. Every conversation morphed into one which was featureless enough for him to recite off by heart. The smiles returned to him were superficial and cosmetic and his absurdity was met with frequent exasperation. 

“You’re playing with your food.” 

A simple observation from Keith’s side. Lance was the last one left at the table, cutlery toying with the ancient Altean delicacy one handed whilst the other supported his chin. He pulled himself out of his absent minded stupor and met Keith’s gaze. 

“I am.” 

Keith raised an eyebrow, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

“Try focusing on eating it instead.”

Lance laughed. Keith remained still. 

“Alright. Alright. I will...”

The red paladin blinked and turned to walk away. 

“Wait. Keith. I have a question. How do you...you know...get over an existential crisis?”

A tilt of the head. Silence. 

“You look like someone who either lives in some sort of perpetual state of emo-ness or someone who knows the answer to that question better than anyone on this ship. No offense.” he continued, regretting voicing his concern and patching up his error with geniality.

Keith took a step closer and Lance would have liquified under his look of understanding had  _ anybody else _ been kind enough to give one to him in the red paladin’s stead. He sat on the chair beside Lance’s and seemed to be able to sense his apprehension. If he felt any discomfort he hid it well...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter: keith's pov


	2. Key

Sometimes Keith really wished there was a definitive manual with a chapter on how to lead, how to act, how to speak, how to  _ live _ , et cetera. If he were fortunate enough to possess such a guide, he would be looking through the chapter titled “How to comfort” at this very moment and recite it word for word to Lance in hopes that he would be eased of his distress through any means at his disposal. Keith knew as much as all the others that a set of instructions rendered the human element behind every interaction meaningless. But that was precisely what he felt he would benefit from. There was no true human left within him anymore. Just a lingering contour of one with bits and pieces so shattered it was difficult to identify their origin or any hope of piecing them back together. If Keith were ready to be honest with himself, it would be because he was  _ terrified  _ of making a mistake at the team’s expense. At Lance’s expense...

“I’m sorry...” A terrible place to start. Why did he drag himself into the matter?  _ I’m _ sorry. Was it too self-centered to mention himself? Or perhaps Lance was just as nervous as he was. Perhaps this was a way of verifying that he was not judging him for asking a question. “I’m sorry...I don’t know.”

He had half a mind to author the guidebook himself. He couldn't possibly be the only one who felt the need to possess anything of the sort. Maybe he could publish a Galra or Altean edition if there was time to spare. Keith despised himself for thinking so absurdly but trusted his countenance not to betray even a sliver of emotion. At this point, it was all he could really trust himself to do.

“Nah. No need for that Keith. You’re dismissive of your efforts too you know? Sure, you’ve made a hell of a lot of mistakes along the way but I trust you won’t repeat them again.” Lance paused, directing his attention to his plate. “And I know how important that is in the grand scheme of things. It’s just that...Voltron is piloted by  _ all  _ of us. And I don’t see how  _ I  _ fit into  _ us _ , you know?” he added with a shrug.

Immediately, the thought of Shiro came to mind. Rarely did a day pass when Shiro did  _ not  _ come to mind in fact. Keith could not help but wish he were here. Right here. Right now. Shiro was a paragon. Someone who brought out the humanist within him, if only for it to be brutally murdered before his very eyes by his own pessimism. He could hold in the highest of regards the sanctity of the individual and balance it perfectly with the fate of the universe that he held so delicately within his hands. He was...a paragon. There were no other words to describe him as effectively. And Keith felt his heart falter because he could barely answer the only question a fellow paladin had asked him with genuine concern.

“Where did that come from? I think...you’re perfect as you are, Lance.” 

The boy grimaced.

“Aw man. My attempt to sound like a cool, conflicted protag has been foiled...” he muttered, placing his fist beside the plate with force. “All those blockbuster dialogues memorised  for nothing...”

Ah, yes. Of course. There was also the question of the blue paladin. Keith thought he was impressive. If he managed to get over his fear of speaking his mind he probably wouldn’t hesitate to spend his sleepless nights beside Lance, talking under the stars. Just talking. About anything that came to their minds. Keith knew that would never happen but he allowed the picture to paint itself in his head. If only for a second...

“I could play along to keep your spirits up.”

“Humph. I’d rather play pretend with Allura.” Lance said, shoveling his last spoonful of the jello-like substance into his mouth, “Pretend  _ dating  _ that is.” 

He winked with his mouth half full and in a way that should not have been as infuriatingly attractive as it really seemed to be. Keith reconsidered his opinion on the paladin... 

“Good luck with that.” he said, standing up with the most minuscule hint of a smile on his lips.

“Hey, uh, Keith...” Lance said, quick to stand up on his feet. “You got a lil something...” he whispered, taking a step towards the red paladin and placing his index finger on his chest. Keith froze, eyes fixated on Lance as he trailed up and past his nose in one fluid motion.

“Ha! Fell for it.” 

It took a second for the ordeal to completely register and despite its childishness, Lance’s face was positively kittenish as though he expected the universe to award him a medal for his tact. Keith blinked and pushed him away gently, unable to handle the apparent lack of space between them. Nobody had ever stood that close to him apart from Shiro and he intended for it to stay that way. At least for now... 

On the other hand, Keith realised humour was a good armour than Lance had developed to defend himself in every possible situation. There may be a way he could borrow some perchance. Was there anything he could do to make his synapses fire as rapidly as his? Could he, too, make some sort of connection to his surroundings that was so unforeseeably obscure that it had to be comedic? All the time? 

Unlikely. 

“We should sleep.” Keith said, already taking a step towards his barrack albeit with a little bit of hesitance. Staying a little longer would be nice.

“Thanks for today, then.” Lance said with a grin. “See you tomorrow, emo dude.”

_ Emo dude?  _

Keith almost laughed. Almost.

“Oh boy. Sweet dreams, sharpshooter.”

Lance ended up voicing it for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter shiro's pov


	3. Shrike

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> he makes leading it look so EASY 
> 
> the role model we all need honestly ill stop because i could go on for so long without even regretti-

It was past his usual bed time by more than just a few hours when he heard the door slide open, virtually noiseless but definitely not unrecognizable in the least. Shiro had difficulty keeping up with time and he knew that it was the absence of adrenaline rushing through his veins which was to blame for his disorientation. The pace of his heartbeat, however, still acted as a steady informer of each  _ tick  _ that passed by. He knew a time would come when even that would cease to persist. Death was something he did not think of often but not because it was anything to be feared. Quite the contrary. Shiro saw it as a natural order. This worldview was only applicable to his own inevitable passing of course. If a phenomenon with such profound magnitude were ever to befall upon anybody on his team, he was well aware it would be a source of worst kind of displeasure…

“Shiro.” 

A hesitant whisper in the dark. He turned onto a shoulder slowly to trace Keith’s silhouette approaching with caution. 

“Can’t sleep, huh?”

Shiro shifted slightly to make room. Keith let out a small sigh of relief as he nuzzled into the covers, closing his eyes as he was indirectly embraced by the comfort of lingering warmth. 

“Yeah...Can’t...”

He noticed the weariness in Keith’s eyes when they met each other’s glances. As outrageously unimaginative as it may sound, Shiro swore he could still see the galaxies within them. No. Much more. Much, much more. He saw the visceral totality that reminded him of both his striking significance and insignificance all at once. He saw that which grounded him to what was real and what was metaphysical and the paradoxes that resulted. He saw the nexus between his indisputable power and the undeniable lack thereof but most importantly...he saw Keith. And the capacity of a simple glance was demonstrated in mere seconds. 

“That makes two of us.” 

Keith’s breathing steadied but he didn’t break his half lidded glance. His lips were slightly parted when he reached out to run a finger over the other’s scar, touch hot yet feather light. It certainly wasn’t the first time Keith had appeared in his room when they were supposed to be resting for battles that could begin within the next dobash for all they knew. The first time, in fact, had been light years away when they were on Earth. It seemed as though centuries has passed. How timid he had been then... 

  
Nonetheless, it  _ was  _ the first time that he had interacted with him in a manner that felt, dare he say...intimate. Shiro took Keith’s hand in his own as he traced the mark, closing his eyes to the touch. He made a silent promise to keep attempting his best to lead Voltron henceforth. For them. The path before him suddenly didn’t seem as eternal as it truly was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter: pidegey-widgey's pov 
> 
> thanks for putting up with this so far!


	4. Periphery

Noisy “mornings” (or whatever their in-orbit equivalent was), were nothing out of the ordinary aboard the Altean castle. It was only today that Pidge had come to make two relevant realisations. Firstly, much of the noise was sourced from Keith and Lance’s incessant bickering, Hunk’s attempts at playing mediator and Shiro maintaining discipline over breakfast (or whatever the meal’s in-orbit equivalent was). Pidge, of course, took sides and, more often than not, determined who would win the childish battle of insults and tongue lashings when they refused to settle down with a simple “agree to disagree”. The realisation, however, was not a product of spontaneous introspection but rather one of the unusual quiet that had befallen upon them at this particular instant. It seemed as though Pidge wasn’t the only one who took note of this. Hunk was looking at Lance as though he’d just grown out antennas and polka dotted skin because he was being uncharacteristically  _ civil  _ and Keith hadn’t snapped for about an hour now which was undoubtedly a new record. Pidge had half a mind to imitate Shiro and enjoy the their hushed discussion while it stayed hushed but…

“What?! What do you mean Raphael is the best ninja turtle?! We could have had a bonding moment! Now it's all ruined. Ruined!”

...alas, most good things are never made to last. 

Pidge observed the natural disaster that was the blue paladin unfurl from above her cup of green Altean jello. Why anybody would even bother flitting around the topic when Donatello was clearly the superior turtle would forever remain a mystery…

“You know I’m right. Deep down inside, you know.” Keith said, turning away from Lance and towards Hunk, “What do you say?”

“Me? Me?! I dunno guys. I don’t want this to turn into a food fight like that one time with the whole Skittles debacle...” 

“Alright.” Pidge said, standing up before their leader could, face solemn. The room went silent. “Let’s settle this with a classic game of rock, paper, scissors and get this over with.” 

Pidge didn’t have to look at Shiro to know he had a smile on his face. A rather sad one. That was always Matt’s line after all...

“Now that’s a deal I’m ready to make! You know why Keith? Because I’ve never a lost a game of RPS in my life. Ever.” Lance said, with a smirk. 

“ _ RPS _ ? Seriously? And that’s probably because you don’t have any friends who’d indulge you in the first place.”

“Not true!” A unanimous protest from both Lance and Hunk. Keith rolled his eyes when they finger gunned each other but Pidge didn’t miss his attempt to stifle a laugh.

Well...at least whatever had changed between them had changed for the better. Pidge turned back to breakfast (or whatever it's in-orbit equivalent was) and felt the heaviness in Shiro’s heart but it was strangely relieved, if only a little. They may argue about the Skittle colour to rule all others but they weren’t too bad a family…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> quiznak
> 
> one more chapter left~

**Author's Note:**

> your comments are my quintessence


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